Hello all. I am in need of some guidance and found you all. I will give a bit of history for context before I ask. Please, bear with me.
MY mother was spiritual. I always knew she was different, but I was never really exposed to it so it wasn't until much later I figured it out. I had natural abilities from a young age. I met what I now know to be my spirit guide when I was 5. She told me or showed me things like glimpses of the future or to avoid certain people. When my mother learned of her she looked terrified and explained to me how some people are "sensitive" to energies but cannot go telling everyone because those who are not "sensitive" will see it as crazy. She was the only one I spoke to of my experiences. She never encouraged me in it or advised me or explained much more than the theory of energies. foward to the future (coming in to my pre-teen years) I was having my glimpses more often more defined but had yet to understand them. The year was 1989. I was 12. My father, a marine, was on ship in the Gulf during the gulf war. Tradition was always to go back home to my parents family out long Island N.Y. during the Christmas Holiday. That year dad wasn't there to help with the drive so mom decided not this year. My brother and I had and ever loving fit for days. She caved. Now mind you I don't sleep in cars. Never have, but this trip I had fallen out before we left the town. I woke suddenly due to a vision. I had just seen my mothers death. I started to look over for her. The car we were in was parked at a gas pump and mom wasn't in the car but I could see her walking back. I told her of what I had just seen in a panic. Told her we need to not go. I told her she will die in that car before we get there. She said we were half way there already and it was fine go back to sleep. When I woke again the jaws of life were removing the top of our car and paramedics were pulling us out. I was so angry. I was so scared. Why could I know but not stop all these things? I filled with rage and hate for the world. I already knew....they didn't have to tell me. Mom was gone. I built a wall to ward off all the energies and experiences. It took years and still never fully rid of them. A little while after my mom's death my father gave me all the boxes of her stuff. Told me take what you want and throw the rest away. There wasn't much there for a now almost 14 year old. I did keep a stack of weird cards I had found that I just couldn't seem to put down. They traveled all over with me. Mostly forgotten in a bag in my sock drawer. Turns out they were tarot cards. Her tarot cards.
I'm trying to be brief and am failing...almost to the you helping me part....I blocked much. Over the years some walls have fallen. I can use my mother's cards but not in a traditional sense. This is where most of my break thru happen but reading for self I find impossible. I have learned I'm not agoraphobia and bi-polar as "doctors" suggested. I'm empathic. This has never been under control for me and has manifested in terrible outcomes. This my friends is where you all come in. See, I fear what comes natural to me. I fear using/dabble in this field I know nothing of. My life I've done all good intentions with the results being a bad outcome and fear this will transfer over. There is great power in the energies around us and to play with them without knowing can be super disastrous. With that being said I need to gain control and understanding. Seems I cannot help to take energies from others and they get stuck inside. I don't feel like me because I'm always jumbled up with everyone else. So where do I start? Do I need to clear my space and self first? Learn crystals to help block? How do I release the energies of others from myself? I am very much in need of relief. Any help is welcomed. If you don't know where to point me I'll take good vibes too! :) Thank you. I know the story is long but thought it may relay the sense of fear and help to understand I somehow blocked some without really knowing how I did it. That may play into what I need to do to start.