I got into Herbology, which led to playing with the idea of being a Witch. Fearing that I didn't have a good direction, I got into Tarot and had mine read and did my own readings. I got good at reading for myself, so I tried it out on my BFF. It was awesome, we had a great day and everything was aligning to perfection. Things were getting good, I was finding myself again. I settled in and started exploring the side of the Witch. I had a blast, I did cleanses around my house and did some self-love work. I worked, I talked, I lived. I did my Tarot readings daily and did little wish spells and bath cleanses and just worked on self-love and and overall goodness. I had some rough times towards the end of the year, it's a part of life, it happens. Doesn't mean we're cursed. The year ended quietly and then it got worse.
I asked my Tarot if this was something from an outside source (I honestly thought an ex-coworker was jealous and cursed me). I knew it wasn't an outside source, but I asked anyway, just to make sure. On my last day of work (though it didn't know it was at the time), I asked my Tarot deck "are outside forces holding me back/affecting me negatively?" (8 of Wands[^], King of Swords[v], Ace of Wands[v], 5 of Cups[^], 2 of Swords[v]) She said I cursed myself, that it wasn't outside forces, they were internal. That was the end of January.
It is now reaching the end of March and I feel like I've been swimming in a dark sauna since then. I don't know what happened. I've been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I can't stand. I hurt all the time. I've dealt with depression and anxiety for over a decade now and this is a whole new level. The diagnosis really wasn't the end of the world, and it still isn't. It was okay. I was okay. I was managing. I am managing, but it's becoming harder. I'm reaching the end of my rope. I've always struggled. It's fine. I fall, I fight, I stand. Life sucks, this is nothing new. But what did I do wrong? The light at the end of the tunnel has always been there, and I know it's not easy to keep fighting all the time, but I was close. I was strolling my way closer to that light. We were good. Things were looking up. Then BAM! Remember the bottom of the ladder? Good luck getting back to it, you've got three more ladders to climb before you can get back to that one!
My patterns are gone, my normalcy is nonexistent. My husband doesn't even believe me half the time. I'm tired, he's tired.
I don't have a question. I'm just lost. Thank you for listening. Community is important. I'm okay. Thank you for existing.